The role of parents

Strategic Aims · Post by **Strategic Aims** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 7:58 am

What effect does a negative parent have on a player? How can it be fixed?

gopher25 · Post by **gopher25** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 8:19 am

A negative parent can ruin a lot of things. In my experiences as a, player and coach. I haven't found one thing in particular that can be done, but it is scary to watch.

As a coach I along with my co-coaches have pulled parents aside and attmpted to explain what is going on and what we observe. I have expressed concern for the player and their development. Most parents tend to turn the tables and blame coaches for those issues.
Negative parents also tend to rub off on other negative parents which can cause some major turmoil in the locker room and in the stands. I had an experience when the players on my team actually called out other players because they realized that their parnets were getting in the way of a positive fun season. I think people would be surprised on how much kids really do pick up from not only their parent, but their friend's parents as well.

Lastly the worst thing a parent can do is "car coach" their kid. Hockey or any sport is supposed to be fun and if all they hear is how they didn't do this or that in a game, it won't be fun. Also parents tend to forget that there are 15 other skaters on a team. Coaches do not focus on watching one kid at a time but the team as whole. I have found many parents who just watch their own player and don't realize the whole situation before judging a particular play.

As I stated before there really isn't one solution that works better than others. However, I stress to keep an open line of communication between all players, coaches and parents. If it is association hockey and it doesn't improve I would go to a coordinator or president of association.

High School sports are a bit tougher but if the player or team is at risk I wouldn't hesistate going to the AD if the coach isn't able to do anything about it. I believe we are too easy on nasty/negative parents.

SportsMa · Post by **SportsMa** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:01 am

A negative parent can affect not only their player but the whole team.

In our daughter's youth hockey days, we had a set of parents that were very loud and negative and it seemed to make some of our parents become more negative, too, and many of our girls were embarassed. How it was dealt with was a parent meeting called by our team manager who shared some video that he had from a game that clearly the negativity came through and you could visibly see our girls react on the bench and on the ice~huge eye opener for many!!! He presented it in nonconfrontational manner (hard to explain) but he works in human resources and is quite good at it. We may need him to do something like that again. Anyway, from there on the parents involved in that particular team have been far more positive.

theref · Post by **theref** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:08 pm

I think it can depend from person to person. I grew up with several kids that came from very bad homes where there was drug use and things like that and they would never do anything like that because of their parents.

So I think there are probably some kids that will not be negative because they see how the parents are and do not want to be that way and there are others that will be just as bad as their parents.

xwildfan · Post by **xwildfan** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 5:54 pm

Kids would be better off if their parents were limited to watching one game per year.

Zamboni Guy · Post by **Zamboni Guy** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 7:26 pm

xwildfan wrote:Kids would be better off if their parents were limited to watching one game per year.

As sad as that is...it's absolutely true!

tomASS · Post by **tomASS** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:40 pm

Best team to coach.......... a team of orphans!
NO PARENTS!

GoEV · Post by **GoEV** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:53 pm

Story about parents coaching against their kids in girls hockey:

http://www.mnsun.com/articles/2007/01/1 ... hockey.txt

ghshockeyfan · Post by **ghshockeyfan** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 9:55 pm

SportsMa wrote:A negative parent can affect not only their player but the whole team.

In our daughter's youth hockey days, we had a set of parents that were very loud and negative and it seemed to make some of our parents become more negative, too, and many of our girls were embarassed. How it was dealt with was a parent meeting called by our team manager who shared some video that he had from a game that clearly the negativity came through and you could visibly see our girls react on the bench and on the ice~huge eye opener for many!!! He presented it in nonconfrontational manner (hard to explain) but he works in human resources and is quite good at it. We may need him to do something like that again. Anyway, from there on the parents involved in that particular team have been far more positive.

This is what we need. More guidance of a constructive sense to assist everyone in knowing their roles. I've taken a similar approach in my programs and the thing I've found though is that some may be offended no matter how diplomatic one is about the approach of addressing sportsmanship, role of fan/player/coach/parent/etc. I think that this feeling - in my personal experience - is due more to the youth of the coach trying to communicate these things? Also, I've found that protocol is viewed as something other than this (avoidance) in addressing problematic situations (a perception vs. reality issue). Parents, just like any fans/coaches/players can destroy the best teams with the best chemistry. Good coaches don't let any one of these entities get in the way of their TEAM's success, but sometimes these things impact can be extremely hard to control.

lovetopuck · Post by **lovetopuck** » Thu Jan 11, 2007 10:24 pm

tomASS wrote:Best team to coach.......... a team of orphans!
NO PARENTS! :lol:

haha it's so true. i can recall all the pressure my father put on me as a child. especilly when he was my coach.

ghshockeyfan · Post by **ghshockeyfan** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:00 am

http://www.startribune.com/526/story/931747.html

lovetopuck · Post by **lovetopuck** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 5:51 am

ghshockeyfan wrote:http://www.startribune.com/526/story/931747.html

ghs i can always depend on you to provide something useful to the conversation.

that third one is scary, it makes me think of the times i've had to remove parents from games. i'm really glad thats never happened to me.

anderc14 · Post by **anderc14** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:05 pm

Since some of us parents never played competitive sports and have children playing high school sports, if we have a genuine concern, what is the most appropriate way to address issues? Generally it is not desired to intervene but what if there is a real concern, how should parents deal with coaches.

Rocketwrister · Post by **Rocketwrister** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:19 pm

Ha....what a great topic! I agree with EVERYTHING that has been said.

Negative parent/parents can AND do affect the entire team. I find myself smiling a little bit thinking about this because I've seen it happen 1st hand.

I don't want to make light of the subject but a negative parent/parents who
"infect" their kid/team is like a cancer. Eventually others start buying into it and get caught up in all the drama instead of playing the game.

gopher25 · Post by **gopher25** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 1:22 pm

anderc14 wrote:Since some of us parents never played competitive sports and have children playing high school sports, if we have a genuine concern, what is the most appropriate way to address issues? Generally it is not desired to intervene but what if there is a real concern, how should parents deal with coaches.

If there is a concern about anything other than playing time or what line your player is on and their is general concern for the player's mental well being or something off of the ice. I would bet 95% of coaches will take time to talk to the parent. As long as the conversation is only about their player and how it affects them. Parents run into trouble when they compare their child to others or they make demands of coaches that are unreasonalbe when it comes to the ability to coach the team as a whole.

Coaches are to be viewed as teachers/mentors. I encourage parents to talk to me about their players interests outside of hockey, they know them better than anyone. A coach that does not take the time to listen to a general concern about one of his or her players probably shouldn't be coaching...

ghshockeyfan · Post by **ghshockeyfan** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:03 pm

gopher25 wrote:
anderc14 wrote:Since some of us parents never played competitive sports and have children playing high school sports, if we have a genuine concern, what is the most appropriate way to address issues? Generally it is not desired to intervene but what if there is a real concern, how should parents deal with coaches.

If there is a concern about anything other than playing time or what line your player is on and their is general concern for the player's mental well being or something off of the ice. I would bet 95% of coaches will take time to talk to the parent. As long as the conversation is only about their player and how it affects them. Parents run into trouble when they compare their child to others or they make demands of coaches that are unreasonalbe when it comes to the ability to coach the team as a whole.

Coaches are to be viewed as teachers/mentors. I encourage parents to talk to me about their players interests outside of hockey, they know them better than anyone. A coach that does not take the time to listen to a general concern about one of his or her players probably shouldn't be coaching...

AMen.

ANd may I add...

anderc14 wrote:Since some of us parents never played competitive sports and have children playing high school sports, if we have a genuine concern, what is the most appropriate way to address issues? Generally it is not desired to intervene but what if there is a real concern, how should parents deal with coaches.

In that I'm known and your not (as to real identity) put the concern out here as a hypothetical and let's see how some of the others think it may be appropriate to address it?

I think each concern is unique usually. There are the typical playing time/line-up concerns, and then there are real/bigger issues.

This is NOT directed at anyone, but what I've often found is that some try to search for "real/bigger" issues due to playing time/line-up concerns and then there are also those that just have a grudge for whatever reason and try to mask it as some other concern for the greater good, etc...

Bensonmum · Post by **Bensonmum** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:22 pm

This is NOT directed at anyone, but what I've often found is that some try to search for "real/bigger" issues due to playing time/line-up concerns

As both a parent and coach (not hockey--different sport) I think what GHS mentions here is very common. The parent will like everything about a coach and team except something about their kid's playing time/performance/postition. Then they don't want to confront the coach with it because they'll seem overbearing or petty. So instead they try to create a bigger issue, even stooping to start rumors/gossip that have no basis in fact, or they'll blow some small issue out of proportion on purpose to cast doubt on the coach's abilities. It's kind of sad to watch and most other parents catch on immediately, but it can sure be a pain and also can be disruptive.

gopher25 · Post by **gopher25** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:37 pm

I totally agree with Bensonmn and GHS:

I think two things can happen.

1. Players "play" their parents against the coach. Meaning something minor will happen at practice and a player will go home and make it a huge deal. A parent will then go to the coach and stir the pot. Usually this will come from a player who plays less than normal or who is unhappy with lines or something.

2. Parents are more unhappy with their kids playing time than the actual player and make issues the other way. One of the funniest things I have ever seen this year was a parent trying to cause a stir in the stands with some of the people who she assumed were her good friends. In the middle of the game one of the parents stood up and told her to shut her mouth or leave. I was thinking to myself, how embarassing for the parent who was stiring the pot. but then i thought THANK YOU, someone finally stood up to her after 2 years of this crap.

I think more of the "good" parents need to start speaking up and not let the bad apples ruin it for the coaches and more importantly the players. However, too often we have parents that just dont' have the time or energy to outlast the psychos.

xwildfan · Post by **xwildfan** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:45 pm

One great benefit of coaching is that the coaches don't have to sit with the parents and listen to all the drivel and negative comments that parents come up with. I never realized how much nicer it is to be behind the bench than in the stands. And two of the worst offenders are a columnist for LPH and the parent of a goalie on one of the prominent girls teams in the areas. I had the misfortune of sitting behind these two jerks one game; I wish I had a tape recorder. They had nothing good to say about any player or the coaches in this particular game. Usually I don't get too excited about this type of stuff; except these two hold themselves out as promoters and autorities on the girls game.

SportsMa · Post by **SportsMa** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 10:46 pm

That is why you carefully pick where you sit at games or move around quite a bit during the games.

defensedad · Post by **defensedad** » Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:26 pm

xwildfan wrote:One great benefit of coaching is that the coaches don't have to sit with the parents and listen to all the drivel and negative comments that parents come up with. I never realized how much nicer it is to be behind the bench than in the stands. And two of the worst offenders are a columnist for LPH and the parent of a goalie on one of the prominent girls teams in the areas. I had the misfortune of sitting behind these two jerks one game; I wish I had a tape recorder. They had nothing good to say about any player or the coaches in this particular game. Usually I don't get too excited about this type of stuff; except these two hold themselves out as promoters and autorities on the girls game.

Let me guess

Quinn LPH
Westberg- goalie parent

xwildfan · Post by **xwildfan** » Sat Jan 13, 2007 1:43 am

You must be related to the great Karnak. No comment.

hockeygod · Post by **hockeygod** » Sun Jan 14, 2007 1:32 am

when a parent complains about coaching style, technique or communication they ussally have a legitimate concern when the gripe about playing time and line assignments they are showing that they are lacking in knowledge of the game. As for Quinn, I sat behind him at one game and even though he was pretty negitive he was right on the money in pointing our team, and the coaches weakness' He is knowledgable but he phrases things in such a negative way.

Thunderbird77 · Post by **Thunderbird77** » Sun Jan 14, 2007 5:15 am

To my knowledge, Quinn is not a parent, so it is confusing to me why he is being sited in this thread. He has been coaching for over 30 years. His generation is one or two older than most that post on this website. (If you are a parent, he is of your parents generation. If you are a player, he is of your grandparents generation.). In other countries, they revere their aged and allow them their eccentricities. Here, we criticize them for no longer being young. When I am at a game and don't like the seating arrangements, I get up and move. I guess if you do that, you won't have as much to complain about in the forum later, however.

ghshockeyfan · Post by **ghshockeyfan** » Sun Jan 14, 2007 8:31 pm

I'm sure many have seen this long ago - but I just saw it and thought it was somewhat fitting for this thread...

Top 30 clues that you are a hockey parent:

30. Has more miles on his '03 SUV than a '66 Chevy.

29. Has had to use a grandparent to take kid #1 to a tournament because Dad was in a different city with kid #2 at a tournament and Mom had kid #3 in another city in a 3rd tournament all in one weekend.

28. Knows every single kid on every single team your child has ever played on...... But doesn't have a clue as to who his school mates are.

27. You ground your kids for a week (except for hockey practice).

26. You chuckle when a co-worker says his kids play soccer.

25. Takes out a home loan to pay for all the equipment and expenses.

24. Complain about ice time when only 10 skaters showed up to that game.

23. Plans birth of next child so he has a good hockey birthday.

22. Shouts "Watch this, watch this" every time Junior touches the puck in practice.

21. New baby's first word is Zamboni.

20. Needs new personalized license plates (again) since child changed teams.

19. Volume of hockey related e-mail at work exceeds business related e-mail....during the off season.

18. Uses the term "illegal recruiting" in a post discussing 96's.

17. All computer passwords begin with "hockey" or contains child's number.

16. Has been barred from more than one rink on more than one occasion.

15. All photos of family vacations have a Canadian flag in background!

14. Keeps stats .......................at practice!

13. Can rationalize spending $159 on a Synergy for a 9 year old but won't spend $5 on a Birthday Card for his wife.

12. Has more Hockey Mom T-shirts and Sweat Shirts than shoes.

11. Hate sending Christmas cards, because the stats only show half the season!

10. Had to explain that the pilgrims didn't play hockey, and Thanksgiving is actually a holiday, not just a tournament!

9. Purchases New $135.00 stick because old one didn't have any goals left in it.

8. Can't compose a sentence, or have a conversation, that doesn't use at least one of the following words: "elite", "select", "AAA", Nationals", "premier", "travel" or "tryouts".

7. Thinks a '93 Merlot Select is a new NJ hockey team, and wants to know when tryouts are?

6. Knows a few 5 year olds that are good but "lack focus".

5. Has had kids ask if Christmas is "home or away".

4. Wants to try for another, so we can start younger!

3. Asked to decide between try-out and first communion - asked church what his options were!

2. Received a letter from AAA Automobile Club and called for more info about tryouts.

1. When someone asks how old your children are, you respond "I have a 93 and a 90".

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